The Talk
by Zeff N Company
Summary: A ficlet for pyjamaTerra: As Zack prepares to leave for his training camp, he takes a moment to teach young Squall the important things in life. "...Oh, and so long as you have your pants, underwear is optional. Remember that."


_A simple ficlet for pyjamaTerra, based on her artwork under the account name proximity-nine. (More details to follow in dA upload.)_

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"Master Ansem wants me to do _what_?"

"Give Squall the talk," Ienzo supplied dryly, jabbing back at the confused child that waited at a distance. "He looks up to you, and he's old enough to understand some things. So now it's your responsibility to explain those things to him before you leave."

"And why can't any of _you_ give him the talk? There are _seven_ of you in that castle!"

"We're scientists – we all had our talk with diagrams; a _lot_ of diagrams."

For a moment, Zack blinked; a puzzled expression was on his face as he eyed his peer in a weird manner. "…how does that work?"

"Never you mind – just get to it."

"Fine, fine…" Zack grumbled. Suddenly, something occurred to him as he protested with renewed vigor, "But I've barely hit _thirteen_; I haven't had _my_ talk yet! What am I supposed to _say_ to him?!"

"Improvise," Ienzo's answer was crisp, blunt and very terse. "And be quick about it, before your ride leaves without you."

With a sigh of defeat, Zack looked back at where a small nervous boy was shuffling his feet. Putting on a brave front, he called out amiably:

"Hey, Squall! Come here!"

As the younger obliged and stood before him, looking up with the same wide eyes as always, Zack scratched the back of his head nervously. Finally deciding on something that sounded right, proper and rather grown-up in a sort-of manner, he took a long, steadying breath as he dove in headfirst.

"Well, buddy, there's a time when every boy becomes a man-"

"But I'm ten years old," came the soft interruption; the first of many to follow.

"…okay, some sooner than others… Well, the point is, you're on your own from now on, and you'll have to be the new Alpha of the pack while I'm gone. I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know, so I'll just keep it short and simple…"

On the sidelines, Ienzo's face was in his palm as he pondered on Ansem's choice…these thoughts were pushed aside swiftly as he wondered about Zack, the talk, and whether or not the boy knew what, exactly, he was _supposed_ to be saying.

Zack, on the other hand, was starting to get the hang of it – this wasn't so hard; just tell the kid what he knew, what he felt should be known, and be straightforward. He could do this easy…

Between them both, Squall was hopelessly confused.

"…so here are a few free pointers…" Zack continued; his finger came up as a silent request for the younger's full attention. "… Point one: Every time you talk through Tron's internet service, remember that all the girls are dudes, all the dudes are girls, anyone who tells you you're hot is twelve years old, and anyone who asks for your number is at least forty."

As Squall proceeded to tilt his head to the side in a blatant display of puzzlement, Ienzo nearly fell over.

"Point two: Pants are important; very important – wear your pants with pride. If you see a guy who doesn't wear pants, make sure he's a mage; if he isn't, _stay away from him_. Oh, and so long as you have your pants, underwear is optional. Remember that.

"Point three: Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal, and some lions mate over fifty times a day. If you intend to stick with the whole lion motif, you'll need to know that, and be sure to keep on your toes around any guy with bat traits."

"…traits?" Squall asked curiously, prompting Zack to go into details:

"Looks like a vampire or a bat, looks dark and foreboding with a hint of evilness, has at least one black leathery wing…any one of those will do. You got all of that?"

An uncertain pause followed, and then the boy nodded anyway.

"Point four: Women are the mysteries of the universe. Some will like you, some will not like you, some will think you look like one of them, and others will indiscriminately pair you with everyone. For the sake of your own health, mentality and longevity, never _ever_ piss off a woman; not on purpose, not even on accident. Heck hast no fury like a woman scorned, and it gets worse when she gets creative."

"What if they're already pissed off when I see them?"

"Be a man, do the right thing. _Run_."

Just as Ienzo wondered if things could possibly get any worse, Cid was hollering at Zack to hurry it up so they could go. Waving back at the man, Zack hastened to finish:

"Well, I've got to go now; you remember those things, and you'll go places in life. I'll see you when I get back," patting the poor confused lad on the head, Zack started to turn.

And then he recalled something, punctuating it with a fist smacking into his palm. "Oh, right! The most important one:

"No matter what's going on, always keep an eye out for the love of your life. If you want to be a hero, you need one of those by you, so even if the world thinks you're an idiot, at least the one who loves you…will _always_ think you're a hero. Okay?"

Squall stood silent, frowning as he digested the older boy's words. With a big grin, Zack tousled bronze locks one more time and turned to go at last. Squall – still so deep in thought – barely noticed the actions. Then his question came forth, and he scrambled to keep up with the other.

"What if I don't find them?"

"You will, buddy; trust me on that," Zack answered easily, stepping up the ramp. "…but to be on the safe side…"

Squall halted his steps, and then retreated to allow the ramp to slide up. "…safe side?"

"If you don't find them by the time you're thirty, marry your best friend."

The older boy did not notice the sudden pallor to the boy's face as he found his seat. At last, the ramp sealed the airship entrance with a loud ruckus, and the _Tiny Bronco_ lit out of the hangar and took to the skies.

Left still standing on the ground, Ienzo and Squall watched Cid's prized aircraft disappear from sight. Slowly, Ienzo turned to quietly regard Master Ansem's young charge, who was still gaping like a fish out of water.

_A job swimmingly done, Zack Fair,_ he decided bitterly. This mess would need fixing, and it would need a call for sanity.

"…but I can't marry Cloud!" Squall suddenly cried out in dismay, too many moments too late. "That's _weird!_"

…a _lot_ of sanity.


End file.
